Lonely and thinking

Well, I have been going through stuff. I have founds some pictures that reminded me of old times. I found this cute pictures on Conner when he was little. I look at the picture of him now... I agree with the email from Amber. I can't believe that he was once so small. As much as I would love to have a baby. I don't know if I really want one. The grow up. They are no longer the little baby, but start getting ideas and be come adults; like us. I also found some picture of my family. For any one who know me I come from a good size household. I am the oldest of five. But I look at how old my brothers and sister are now and it makes me want to cry. Ed is 22, Amy 21, Michelle 16 (Feb she will be 17), and my baby brother Timmy just turned 11. It makes me feel old. It seems just like yesterday I was changing diapers and potty training. Here the thing I have done all the baby stuff expect having to get up in the middle of the night. As much as I want a child I some times feel that my God not letting me have one at this time is his way of trying to give me a chance to do some of the fun things I was never able to do growing up. At the age of 9 I learned to cook and clean. I had a new baby sister, so I learned to change diapers (cloth ones), feed and burp a baby, and start helping take care of my brother and sister. Then when I was 14 Timmy was born. There were a lot of people who thought that I was a teen mom. I had a baby on the hip and a toddler running around calling me mommy. I love my brothers and sisters and would not change any of the time I have spent with them. But some times I wonder what it would have been like not to have all the responsibilities at a young age.

So the more I think about it I wonder if I will ever be able to have a baby. It is really hard sometimes. I sit in a large house all by myself every night and only have a cat to talk with. All my friends are married with children. And even my friends who don't have children have more of a life than me. I feel lonely a lot. I think that is a lot of the reason I can not wait to move back home. I will had least have friends in the same area. Since I supervise at work I am not allowed to be friends outside of work with any one I work with. And any of the friends I had their husbands were stationed other places. The only people who I really talk to one the phone is my mommy and sister Amy. But with my mom's work and still having kids in the house it can be hard at times to talk. Amy well I have a relationship with her voicemail. I haven get so board I have sang songs to her voicemail. And when her team the Colts play I text her the score and anything that she might want to know about the game. Most of the time I don't even know if or when she is even reading them. But at least my cat talks backs. I have even carried a conversation with a tell-a-mark. He was located in CO. He was a student studying science. This was the best job he could find that worked with his school schedule. How sad that I even knew this. He had been dating a girl for over six months. He seemed to really like her. She was getting her RN. So I have now taken up making dishcloths. I will have so many that I will not have to make any for several years. Once I finish with all the yarn I have for that I have a few blankets that I am going to re-cover.

Well I think that I have rambled on way too much. I guess I should go to bed now. I do have to work in the morning. Funny thing I like work. It is the only time I have some one to talk. Poor James is working all the time and a full time student. It doesn't leave much time. I have been trying to be good when he is doing his school work and not bug him. I want him to finish his schooling. But at the same time I would like him to spend more time with me. But hopefully soon. I have even thought about getting another job like at the mall. That way I would have someone around to talk to. I still think about it. It would be better than sitting here talking to my cat.